let’s make a bad burger great again

Okay so we all know that fast food is bad for us, right? I mean, we show up in droves to these filthy eateries with (usually) empty stomachs and wallets full of plastic to buy up as many greasy, flavorless “beef” sandwiches as we can see. And I absolutely love it! I know that the American cheeseburger is something of a peasant dish, often looked down upon by people who take pictures of their food and then leave the restaurant without tipping.

I for one believe the cheeseburger to be the most complex and intimidating item on any menu. You always hear about how difficult it is to make fresh pasta or about braising meats all day, but have you ever had to explain the level of “done-ness” of ground beef to a child? They don’t give a shit about your personal beliefs about the handling of animals, your views on meatless burgers or weather or not you’ve selected a brioche bun. They want a burger, they want it hot, and they want it now.

But just in case you were wondering how to make a terrible burger better, this is what you do. You go to McDonadls and buy a double cheeseburger. The one from the dollar menu, nothing fancy. I mean, honestly, what’s the point to a double quarter pounder anyway? You’re gonna feel like crap if you ingest a half-pound burger you’re gonna reach a physical limit to how much your stomach can stretch and you’re gonna hate life and resemble a whiny seven year old. Trust me, a burger doesn’t need to be anything more than five or six ounces. If it is, it looks like you’re just trying to prove your manhood and you’re better than that.


You take your double cheeseburger and you put it in your fridge and keep it there overnight. I know this might seem dumb, but someone once kept a McDonalds burger around for twenty years and it didn’t rot. I’d normally give you a source article for this, but I’m not about supporting Buzzfeed. Anyway, you wait a day and then you separate the patties of your burger. You put about a tablespoon of butter in a medium pan and melt it at medium heat. Then you put the burger on the pan, patty-side down, and rest a bacon press on top. The buns are also still on the burger, as the possibly fake American cheese has entered a symbiotic relationship with it’s starchy counterpart. You wait about three to four minutes, depending on your preferred level of the aforementioned done-ness, at which time you’ll flip the burger to toast the buns. Wait another two minutes, and faster than you can say Tom Colicchio, you’ve gone and made a bad burger better while also making it worse for you.


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